Controversial Study Shows Link Between The Size Of A DJ’s Lighting Rig And Penis Length

Some of the world’s most well known DJs have been left red faced after a study revealed that the size of a DJ’s lighting rig is indicative of the size of the DJ’s penis – with those with largest rigs overcompensating for below average penis length.

The doctor leading the University of Cumbria study, Dr. Praveen Shah, claimed, ‘We wanted to understand the egoistic impulse that can go out of control among men who perceive inadequacy around things like height, body mass and penis size. We found a higher percentage of performers among men of a smaller stature and penis size – like actors and DJs.’

‘The study indicates that those men with a perceived inadequacy will go to great lengths to overcome that feeling by compensating for it in other areas. Some men will become actors feeling that the attention they receive will help them get over their feelings of worthlessness whilst others will become DJ’s.’

‘What we found with DJs was that often just being a DJ and playing good music to people is insufficient and they will go to ever complex lengths to compensate for their feelings of inadequacy by resorting to silly gimmicks or having massive, unnecessary lighting rigs.’

In carrying out the study Dr. Shah uncovered an internal subculture of competition among EDM performers for who has the biggest and brightest lighting rig.

‘We looked at people like Tiesto and Skrillex who both have huge and stunningly bright lighting rigs which led us to the conclusion that they suffer from the condition of micro penis – which is a penis that lengthens to a maximum of 7 centimeters when fully erect and often a lot less than that.’

When a shaken Tiesto was approached by reporters he wept, ‘I used to boast about having the biggest lighting rig but it was all a big sham to hide the shame.’

Tiesto continued to become increasingly upset and erratic as he began bawling ‘You want the truth,’ at the surrounding press while attempting to undo his fly to display his penis.

‘I can’t even enter a woman,’ screamed the distraught DJ as he was led by the belt strap to a waiting SUV by his minders.

One reporter commented, ‘He tried to show it to us but I didn’t see it. I suppose that in itself speaks volumes.’

Daft Punk added further weight to the truthfulness of the report by uncharacteristically admitting to the press that they ‘used our pyramid lighting rig to make up for our tiny penises. We even went so far as to turn into robots to escape from the truth and hide our identities.’

‘Now we just embrace it and hope that we get lucky with a girl who appreciates a smaller man.’