Faux Spiritualism Set To Decline Now That Music Festival Season Is Over

Studies carried out by the International Society of Spiritualism are attributing a decline in their subscriber numbers to the end of the summer music festival season.

A spokesperson for the organisation, Juniper Peace-lily said, “Every year at around the end of May we see a massive increase in the number of people browsing our website and wanting to broaden their understanding of New Age philosophies and practices. They go to festivals, wear colourful clothes and open their minds up to new ideas. But then around the start of September those numbers drop dramatically as festival season ends.”

“It’s almost as if by dressing up in colourful clothes, wearing headdresses and gluing beads to their faces that they’re putting on some kind of act for the festival,” Juniper queried.

One man who attended Burning Man Festival, Mike Mathews, admitted that he engaged with spiritual ideas while at the festival but now he would be embarrassed to talk about his experiences.

“I remember stepping off the plane coming back from Burning Man. My body and face were still daubed in neon paint spelling out the words ‘love’ and ‘free’. I smiled at a security guard but he just looked at me with contempt, told me to wash my stupid face and called me a ‘fucking hippy’. I knew then that I couldn’t take the festival spirit home with me,” admitted Mike.

“That security guard was right though. It was all very well acting all spiritual when I was at Burning Man but now that I’m back in my job as an accountant I can’t very well start talking about Eckhart Tolle or Deepak Chopra and expect people to take me seriously. Tell me this, how can you even be aware of your chakras when you’re wearing a suit and tie instead of hand woven hemp trousers?” he exasperatedly asked.

Juniper explained her frustration with the people who dabble in New Age ‘science’, “It’s like once the summer ends then suddenly it’s not okay to wear sequined kimonos, drop acid or have your face painted,” complained Juniper. “At the start of the summer they go to Glastonbury where they awkwardly participate in drum circles and learn to practice Reiki. But then once the festival ends they act as if crystal skulls and ley lines aren’t real.”